3 Steps In Putting An End To Approval Seeking Cycle

Three Steps To Put An End To Approval Seeking

Getting the approval of a parent especially that of a father is so crucial to a child’s life. The presence or absence of feeling that your parent approves of you makes all the difference. It shapes your future.

Approval doesn’t mean they approve of all you do or say. This would simply be poor parenting or permissive parenting to be more specific. However, it does mean approving of you as a  child for who you are – your uniqueness, talents, abilities, personalities and skills.

These may not fit the status quo as far as expectations are concerned. Some parents have certain unspoken or spoken expectations that they have placed upon their children. When children fail to measure up or meet those expectations, they hear or see the message, “I don’t approve of you”.

When this happens, that child sets out on a life time quest to gain such approval. They’ll use certain behaviors in an attempt to attract such approval or they may begin to look for approval in any place that they can find it.

The sad part is that they never seem to find it. They almost always come up empty even when it is obvious that a partner or family member is displaying that approval they seek. It is not the same. Deep inside they are wanting to get dad’s approval. Nothing can take the place of that.

That adult child focuses on performing to their utmost best trying to answer that question they constantly are asking, “am I okay now? Do you approve of me now?”

This pattern of performance to seek approval is also used when it comes to God. You try to perform for God because in your mind, that is how you gain God’s approval. You will behave this way in almost all other relationships including your relationship with God.

Here is what Paul said on that matter: It’s true that we can’t win God’s approval by what we eat. We don’t lose anything if we don’t eat it, and we don’t gain anything if we do. (1 Corinthians 8:8 NLT)

This is hard for someone who is in the approval hunt to accept. It is too easy. You must earn it. That has become your belief system established in early childhood. Putting an end to this vicious cycle has to be a priority.

Here are three steps to put an end to the approval hunt:

1. Forgive your father for what he failed to do. Build a case for him instead of against him. Argue for why he might not have been able to give you the approval you needed.
2. Open the door of the prison you have kept him in and release him. Keep the door open or better yet, take it off its hinges and get rid of it.
3. Declare your self free and begin to act free. Be intentional each day until it become a part of who you are.

What are your thoughts on this issue? Have you ever witnessed this or experienced this? How did it go? Please let me know by leaving a comment below. Thanks.